Richard Foster says that life in God is an onging, ever-changing, relational adventure[1]. When we truly desire a relationship in God, we then move from intention to action in our spiritual life[2]. God wants an active partner in the relationship[3], and this means we are to take action for our part in our relationship with Him. We learn along the way as we grow in relationship with Him.
The Triune God created mankind to carry out His image, including the need for relationship and for community living. We have been created by a relational God for a relationship with Him and with other fellow human beings. Friendship is one of God’s special gifts to humans[4]. Remarkably, “friendship” is one of the terms God used to describe the relationship He desires with us[5]. Friendship with God and with one another is beautiful. We will cheapen the value of friendship God has intended if we reduce it to mere acquaintance[6].
Psychologist Dr Alan Loy McGinnis and his team of colleagues discovered that friendship is the springboard to every other love; that friendships spill over onto the other important relationships of life[7]. The British lay theologian, and writer C.S. Lewis mentioned that spiritual friendships are two persons who care about the same truth. Aristotle also says that friends are ‘a single soul dwelling in two bodies’[8]. Friendships are intimate relationships.
In the olden days, monks would spend their lives living together in the monastery, praying and doing life in the community together. However, in today’s fast-moving world, we have not learned to be a real friend. We have lost the essence of friendship and many have not truly experienced the beauty of friendships. Due to the connected of our modern world, we relocate from cities to cities for jobs or due to marriages and families. The friends we have in children are not necessarily the friends we have in our adulthood. University friends return to their hometowns or move to another country. In our working life, we move from job to job when there is a better offer. Even in the workplace, our relationship with our colleagues and bosses involve little intimacy, trust, commitment and loyalty of real friendships[9]. We mostly want “friends” for business contacts or use “friends” to kill boredom. As geographical areas shrink, we move around so much, and it is becoming harder now than ever to build friendships that are deep.
With the increase of the interest in spirituality (after all, we know that materialism and secularism never truly satisfy us), people are now longing to share their spiritual quests with those who are willing to listen[10].
What are the ideals of spiritual friends?
In our spiritual walk with God, God speaks to us but sometimes it is difficult to tell God’s voice apart with our own inner judgement[11]. That is why we need spiritual friends with whom we can share our insights from our prayers and those who will walk with us in our spiritual walk.
In our journey as Christians, we should have one or more friendships that support our Christian journey[12]. These are our spiritual friends. Spiritual friends are more than just people bonded over similar hobbies, interests or living in the same community. Spiritual friendship is the calling and depth of a faithful friendship grounded in relationship with God[13]. Spiritual friends are people who nurture the development of each other’s soul so that they can be all that they intend to be[14]. Spiritual friendship is not specialised expertise or professions —they are the gifts of themselves and their companionship on the transforming journey of Christian spirituality[15].
In the Celtic tradition, a spiritual friend, “anam cara” is your companion who carries the truest mirror reflecting the light of your soul[16]. Spiritual friends are bonded in love by God. Friendship with one another and with God is the supreme pleasure of life[17].
Below are the characteristics of spiritual friends:
- God at the Centre
C.S. Lewis describes friendship as a bond that is deep. He calls it a “kindred soul”. He suggests kindred souls are people who see the same truth and care about the same truth[18]. Friendship involves passion: and this passion is shared in relation to something outside of the friendship. It is an interest of the same thing that puts friends together, be they arts or sports or other areas of interest, if not, there is nothing for the friends to talk about[19]. For spiritual friends, it is the passion for God, His Kingdom and our spiritual walk that put them together.
The essence of spiritual friendship is that it is leaded by the Holy Spirit to pursue a particular friendship, for instance, in the Bible, there are examples of such friendships between David and Jonathan, Ruth and Naomi, and Paul and Timothy[20]. It is God who put them together to pursue holy intimacy with one another. Consider the loyalty of Ruth to Noami. She was from a foreign background but she cleaved to Naomi, her mother-in-law. Her loyalty has been a source of encouragement to the Israelite community.
Another example is of Jesus and His disciples. Jesus and His disciples shared a deep bond, but their focus point is not on each other. Jesus always pointed them to the will of God the Father, and His kingdom[21]. Their friendship is built around knowing God, loving God and serving God[22].
- Love[23]
Friendship involved a bond of love. And this love comes from God. We come with different personalities and characteristics. Yet, it is God’s love that binds us together. Apostle John writes, ‘we love because God loves us’ (1 John 4:19). It is true when it comes to spiritual friendship. Love is an essence that can not be missed.
One crucial element of a healthy friendship is exclusivity. A healthy spiritual friendship is not just two people sticking to each other, but it is inclusive: it welcomes others to join in and each person bringing out their gifts and personalities to the circle of spiritual friends.
Spiritual friends love each other and see each other through realistic lenses[24]. Love among spiritual friends mean they want to see each other grow to be the person God has intended. Spiritual friends’ love affirms our gifts and want us to develop our gifts to fulfil our potential to be the person God is calling us to be[25]. This is very much different from secular friends who secretly envy of our successes when we are doing well in life.
- Honesty and loyalty[26]
Spiritual friends want us to be our full potential for God. They will be honest and speak the truth in love to us. True friends see us realistically: they don’t idolize us, or awestruck by us but they see us as we are. They help us to see our blind spots. But this does not diminish their affection, respect and admiration for us[27]. They remain our friends despite our flaws and weaknesses. Being able to be honest with each other and hold each other to accountable is such a gift. Not everyone is willing to be honest with us and on our part, we are to be humble to receive constructive criticism so that we can continue to grow: spiritually, emotionally, and also intellectually.
Loyalty means faithfulness to commitment, whether spoken or not[28]. True friends are honest with each other and they preserve confidentiality and commit to be honest to one another. Without honesty and loyalty, there can not be spiritual friendships.
- Accompaniment[29]
Spiritual life is ongoing. It is a journey. Because it is a journey, there are bound to be ups and downs. We need spiritual friends to journey with us through the not-so-good-times either. In writing his letters to his friends who were sick, Brother Lawrence assured them that he was praying earnestly for them, that God would give them strength and patience to endure their pain and suffering[30]. Brother Lawrence showed the example of accompaniment as a spiritual friend. He comforted his sick friends who were suffering to know, and continue to knock on God’s door because He would open His mercies to them[31].
Jesus refers to soul as the whole of our being — physical, spiritual, psychological and inner self (Mathew 26:38; Matthew 11:29)[32]. A soul friend, therefore, is a relationship to which I bring my whole self, especially my inner self[33] and vice versa. In soul friendship, I offer care for the other person for her whole self, especially the inner self. This is to safe guard each other’s uniqueness and nurture the growth of each other’s inner self[34]. Soul friends seek to meet each other as whole people and help each other become whole people and offer each other companionship on the human journey[35]. How does Christian spirituality come into picture? Spirituality refers to a person’s awareness of and response to God. Christian spirituality involves working out our existence within the context of our Christian faith and community[36]. God initiates and guides us on our journey and Christian spirituality is our response to the Spirit[37].
Although spiritual friends mean friends journeying with us on our spiritual journey, spiritual friends seldom just emphasise on the ‘soul’ of a person. Spiritual friends care for each other as a whole, and not just see each other simply as spiritual beings[38]. Spiritual friendship is not only a gift from God but it is a vocation of love which is to be tended with loyalty and care[39].
What needs to be noted is that the primary relationship of a spiritual friendship is that God is the one who holds the friendship together, it is not just between the friends but it is with God at the centre of the spiritual friendship.
I myself have given and received the gift of spiritual friendships. Where do we find spiritual friends, people who journey with us on our spiritual journey? Surprisingly, they can be found everywhere. They are not just restricted to the people we see in our churches although it is an excellent place to find them. Spiritual friendships can be formed or found in our homes with our family members, at our workplace among our colleagues and in the community which we are living in.
Eucharist as Spiritual Friendship
Luke 22:19-20 teaches us that the Eucharist is the source of Christian friendship which is shared in the Christian community[40]. Eucharist was a sharing of a meal among believers. From the Gospel stories, many wonderful encounters happened when Jesus Christ was eating with His friends. Jesus ate with sinners. He spent time with them. It was at the Passover meal that Jesus called His disciples as His friends, and not servants[41]. It was also at a meal that the disciples of Jesus whom Jesus met on the road to Emmaus recognised Him[42]. Likewise, when we share a meal with our friends, our friendship is renewed and deepened[43].
For John Wesley, what binds Eucharist and friendship together is the experience of Presence, which transcends time and space.[44] In Eucharist, we are invited not to only share the bread broken for us, but to share our brokenness; the friendship we share invites us to share not only the wine pour out for us, but to pour our lives as well[45]. At Eucharist, Jesus’ invitation for us to remember that His body broken for us and His blood poured out for us takes on new meaning on what it means to be a friend to one another.
In sharing the Eucharist, we are reminded that we are one body in Jesus Christ. As His body, we are connected to one another. He has called us friends and therefore we are friends to each other. We are all friends, bound together with love through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the Cross. Because of this, there should be sharing of life and pouring of life into one another. We are one: one in Christ, one in each other.
Home as a place of spiritual friendship
Spiritual friends can also be found in the homes. To our spouse and family members, we have the opportunity to offer each other genuine companionship on our spiritual journey[46]. While parents are to disciple their children (Deuteronomy 6), we can be each others’ spiritual friends as we talk about the work of God in our lives daily and pray together as a family.
Spiritual friendship in Marriage
God created us male and female. There are different roles that the male and the female play at home, as God has intended. God is the One who initiated marriage and bless Adam and Eve with a home and with children. Even in a marriage, spiritual friendship can happen.
Marriage is the most intimate form of human relationships. But no marriage is problem free[47]. Marriage is something God has given to us in our fallen world and marriage is where two flawed people, still struggling with remaining sin, commit to the most extensive and intimate and long-term of all human relationships[48].
Even in a marriage, friendship between the spouses need to be cultivated, and so does spiritual friendship. Spiritual friendship does not happen automatically in a marriage — it needs to be cultivated[49] and nurtured. For the husband and wife to be spiritual friends to one another, a few things are needful:
- Respect[50]
Respecting our spouse means we see and acknowledge that our spouse is unique and has his/her personality, characteristics, preferences, choices which shape who he/she is—a distinct person. God has a unique plan for our spouse and his/her life. Our spouse is not our possession[51]. They are individuals created by God. God created the man and the woman to be cleaved as one, and this does not mean the fusion of both of them into one: rather, it means the respect of uniqueness and separateness of one another[52]. When we look at our spouse, we are to see the face of God in him/her and the person he/she is in God.
To be a spiritual friend of our spouse, we are to see him/her through the eyes of God[53]. It is important to be attentive and sensitive to the spiritual journey of our spouse. Spiritual friends mean being attentive to the work of the Spirit in each other’s lives. Although we live with our spouse, sometimes, the pressure of raising the family takes over. But being married doesn’t mean only sharing parenting or other domestic responsibilities[54]. We should be supportive to each other’s spiritual journey and be sensitive to the movement of God in their life and to play the role of a supporter and prayer partner. The more we pray for our spouse, the more we see him/her through God’s eyes and we will begin to care for her spiritual growth and journey[55].
- Dialogue[56]
Marriage is also a rhythm: talking and quietness, separatedness and togetherness.
Most married couples have nothing much to talk about except the cares of their children and errands to run. Couples can be talking but not listening to the other as they are occupied with the newspapers or programmes on the tv. But being a spiritual friend to our spouse means dialogue: intentionally talking and active listening. It takes discipline to sit face to face with our spouse and to talk, without distractions or children running around in the background. Only when we are actively sharing our experiences and actively listening to the other then do we see the movement of God in his/her life. We do this not out of forced obligation, but we do this because we truly enjoy our spouse’s companionship.
When we engage in genuine dialogue with our spouse, something inside us changes: their experiences become a part of us. My opinions may change, and it changes how I see the world, I see a new facet of my spouse, I have new thoughts and insights about the issues we are exploring and I am more aware of the changes that happen in me[57]. All these keep us accountable in our spiritual journey.
Husband and wife must have regular prayer times and time of worshipping God together as a couple. Yes, it is important to have their own individual and personal quiet time with God to hear from God and to glean from His Word. It is also equally important to spend time together as husband and wife to pray for one another every day, perhaps before bed time. During this time, the couple can share what God is teaching them during the day. The couple should also share how they can pray for the other. This is to keep each other attune to the work of the Spirit in the spouse’s life.
- Spousal spiritual direction
Spouses deeply loving one another, deep discussions on life issues and building a genuine friendship lay a solid foundation for a healthy marriage but this does not automatically mean the couple is experiencing soul intimacy[58].
Besides praying for one another, we can write our spiritual journal and share with our spouse the insights, discoveries and spiritual struggles[59]. From a spiritual retreat in Seven Fountains, Chiang Mai, I have learnt the ‘daily examen’ by St Francis of Loyola, in which we ponder about God’s presence with us during the day. This is something we can share with our spouse before we go to bed.
With the growth of spiritual and retreat centres in Asia, nowadays, it is not hard for a couple to find a spiritual centre with a spiritual director who can guide them in spousal spiritual direction. There are many retreat centres in Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Thailand and so on. I have seen couples going for retreats together and this not only deepen their individual relationship with God, but also deepen their relationships with one another.
Spiritual Friendship and Community
Methodists are pious in their personal holiness and holding each other to accountability. Methodists gave financially to set up schools for the poor, to buy medication to relieve the sick, build homes for the destitute to take refuge and do all the good they could within their power[60]. They visited the prisoners, cared for the poor and the sick[61]. They were expected to make the visit personally, bringing with them food, money and words of encouragement[62].
God raised up His people to bear His likeness: love, grace, compassion, generosity, forgiveness, peace, to wherever God is sending them. We should love God and love our neighbour.
A central aspect of spiritual formation is becoming like God[63]. Jesus tells His followers that we are to be perfect just as our Heavenly Father is perfect. What does perfection in love means? Surely we can not be perfect as we live in this fallen world. Perfect love simply means: God loves everyone, including those who do not return His love. We as His followers should imitate Him: we are to love others, even our enemies because God loves everyone, including those who are His enemies.
Jesus gave us the Great Commandment. It is not 2 separates commandment, but one. We are to love God and to love others. We can not just love God while ignoring fellow human beings nor do we only love one another and forgetting to obey God and keep His commandments.
Jesus Christ has set us the example in the friendships He had cultivated while He was here on earth. Jesus preached about love in the Sermon on the Mount and Jesus lived it out in His friendships with others. Jesus kept companionship with ordinary men and women: He dined with Zacchaeus, a tax collector; Jesus talked to the woman at the well and Jesus spent time with little children[64]. There were many other examples of friendships Jesus had offered, including to Mary and her siblings Martha and Lazarus.
Conclusion:
Great men and women of God (Apostle Paul in the New Testament, revivalist John Wesley, godly figures such as Mother Teresa and Brother Lawrence, and modern-day Christian writers such as Henri Nouwen, John Piper, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and others) had cautioned us, don’t waste our lives away. Our lives are made rich with the presence of God and with spiritual friends.
Spiritual friendships need to be tended faithfully so that it will grow in healthy and meaningful ways[65]. Most of the time, we are busy with our career, family life and complain that we do not have time for spiritual friendships. For spiritual friendships to grow, we need to cultivate time and invest energy into it. We can either meet on Zoom, or over a weekly breakfast, or meet once a month. Like other spiritual disciplines, it take discipline to establish spiritual friendships. Jesus once again demonstrated that even He, the most busy healer and teacher had enough time to reach out to countless individuals[66]. In these brief moments, they too are spiritual friendships. I think about the many moments when I visited the church members at home or talk to them before or after the church services. These too are moments of spiritual friendships.
What is important is that we have to be aware of God’s movements in our lives. Spiritual friends enrich and bless us in so many ways. And in different seasons in life, we may have different spiritual friends to journey with us. But they all made our life beautiful. May we walk closely and faithfully with God, enjoy Him and enjoy each other as we journey on the path of discipleship until we see Jesus Christ face to face when He calls us home after our journey on earth is completed.
[1] Richard J. Foster, Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1992), 134.
[2] Foster, Prayer, 134
[3] Ibid.
[4] David G. Benner, Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship and Direction (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2002), 62.
[5] Benner, Sacred Companions, 62
[6] Ibid.
[7] Alan Loy McGinnis, The Friendship Factor, Minneapolis: (Augsbury Books, 1979), 22.
[8] Parrott and Parrott, Real Relationships, 78
[9] Benner, Sacred Companions, 62
[10] David G. Benner, Sacred Companions, 13
[11] Christine Valters Paintner, Lectio Divina: The Sacred Art: Transforming Words & Images into Heart Centered Prayer (Woodstock, VT: SkyLight Paths Publishing, 2011).
[12] Benner, Sacred Companions, 14
[13] Stephanie Ford, Kindred Souls: Connection Through Spiritual Friendship, (Nashville: Upper Room Books, 2006), 13
[14] Benner, Sacred Companions, 16
[15] Benner, Sacred Companions, 16
[16] Stephanie Ford, Kindred Souls: Connection Through Spiritual Friendship,14
[17] Drew Hunter, Made for Friendship – The Relationship that Halves our Sorrows and Doubles Our Joys, (IL: Crossway, 2018), 17.
[18] Benner, Sacred Companions, 66
[19] Benner, Sacred Companions, 66
[20] Stephanie Ford, Kindred Souls: Connection Through Spiritual Friendship, 15
[21] Benner, Sacred Companions, 67
[22] Ibid.
[23] Benner, Sacred Companions, 65
[24] Benner, Sacred Companions, 68
[25] Ibid.
[26] Benner, Sacred Companions, 65
[27] Benner, Sacred Companions, 68
[28] Benner, Sacred Companions, 69
[29] Benner, Sacred Companions, 65
[30] Brother Lawrence and Harold Myra, The Practice of the Presence of God: Experience the Spiritual Classic through 40 Days of Daily Devotion (Our Daily Bread Publishing, 2017), 94.
[31] Brother Lawrence and Harold Myra, The Practice of the Presence of God: Experience the Spiritual Classic through 40 Days of Daily Devotion, 94
[32] Benner, Sacred Companions, 15
[33] Benner, Sacred Companions, 15
[34] Benner, Sacred Companions, 15
[35] Benner, Sacred Companions, 15
[36] Benner, Sacred Companions, 15
[37] Ibid.
[38] Benner, Sacred Companions, 16
[39] Ford, Kindred Souls: Connection Through Spiritual Friendship, 15
[40] Ripple, Called to Be Friends (Indiana: Ave Maria Press, 1980), 151
[41] Ripple, Called to Be Friends, 151
[42] Ripple, Called to Be Friends, 151
[43] Ripple, Called to Be Friends, 151
[44] Ripple, Called to Be Friends, 151
[45] Ripple, Called to Be Friends ,158
[46] Benner, Sacred Companions, 197
[47] Paul David Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make (Wheaton, IL: Crossway,
2021)
[48] Tripp, Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make.
[49] Benner, Sacred Companions, 186
[50] Benner, Sacred Companions, 186
[51] Benner, Sacred Companions, 187
[52] Benner, Sacred Companions, 187
[53] Benner, Sacred Companions, 188
[54] Benner, Sacred Companions, 188
[55] Benner, Sacred Companions,189
[56] Benner, Sacred Companions, 188
[57] Benner, Sacred Companions, 192
[58] Benner, Sacred Companions, 199
[59] Benner, Sacred Companions, 201
[60] Rev. Ivan Tan, “The People Called Methodists,”
[61] Rev. Ivan Tan, “The People Called Methodists,” Asbury Seminary E‑link, November 2, 2012, accessed September 4, 2025, https://asburyseminary.edu/elink/the-people-called-methodists/
[62] Rev. Ivan Tan, “The People Called Methodists,” Asbury Seminary E‑link, November 2, 2012, accessed September 4, 2025, https://asburyseminary.edu/elink/the-people-called-methodists/
[63] Oord, Spiritual Formation, 68
[64] Ford, Kindred Souls: Connection Through Spiritual Friendship, 18
[65] Ford, Kindred Souls: Connection Through Spiritual Friendship, 99
[66] Ford, Kindred Souls: Connection Through Spiritual Friendship, 101
Bibliogpraphy:
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Edwards, Tilden. Spiritual Director, Spiritual Companion: Guide to Tending the Soul. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press, 2001.
Keller, Timothy, and Kathy Keller. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. New York: Dutton, 2011.
Kempis, Thomas à. The Imitation of Christ. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publisher Marketing, LLC, 2004.
Kolodiejchuk, Brian, ed. Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light: The Private Writings of the Saint of Calcutta. New York: Doubleday, 2007.
Lawrence, Brother, and Harold Myra. The Practice of the Presence of God: Experience the Spiritual Classic through 40 Days of Daily Devotion. Our Daily Bread Publishing, 2017.
Malony, H. Newton. The Amazing John Wesley: An Unusual Look at an Uncommon Life. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2010.
McGinnis, Alan Loy. The Friendship Factor. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Books, 1979.
Merton, Thomas. Spiritual Direction and Meditation. Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press, 2013.
Nouwen, Henri J. M. Spiritual Formation: Following the Movements of the Spirit. With Michael J. Christensen and Rebecca J. Laird. 1st ed. New York: HarperOne, 2010.
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Oden, Thomas C. The Gifts of the Spirit. Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1994.
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Palmer, Parker J. Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000.
Parrott, Les, and Leslie Parrott. Real Relationships. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2011.
Piper, John. Don’t Waste Your Life. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2003.
Southey, Robert. The Life of Wesley; and the Rise and Progress of Methodism. 2 vols. London: Longman, Hurst, Rees, Orme, and Brown, 1820.
St. John of the Cross. “Dark Night: Prologue.” In Dark Night of the Soul. Christian Classics Ethereal Library. Accessed September 4, 2025. https://www.ccel.org/ccel/john_cross/dark_night.vi.html
Tan, Ivan. “The People Called Methodists.” Asbury Seminary E‑link. November 2, 2012. Accessed September 4, 2025. https://asburyseminary.edu/elink/the-people-called-methodists/.
Tripp, Paul David. Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2021.